You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize