Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
