I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
