apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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