Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Randomize
