I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
