mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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