Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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