how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
