i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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