i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
