Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
