I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
honey bunches of taint.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
