new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
too bad you live with your parents still
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
