thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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