your room smells of hookers.
And success
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
