My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I skipped work to stalk him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
