She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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