she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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