i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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