I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
