im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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