were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
