I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my shit smells like andre
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
