Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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