it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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