My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize