saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
