The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
