just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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