Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
