you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
