Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
