great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need to sanitize my soul.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
