last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
