Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize