I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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