Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think a kid would responsible me up
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
