There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize