Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
