I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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