Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
