God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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