Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
