I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize