Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
