you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
