Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
