Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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