the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
