Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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