i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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