You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
