Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
