This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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