My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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