how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
